


Breathing Together

by M0ssPiglet



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Henry, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:33:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23160253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/M0ssPiglet/pseuds/M0ssPiglet
Summary: This is supposed to be the good bit. And it is. Mostly.(Or Henry can't sleep and Alex wants to help, even if it means shutting up)
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor
Comments: 22
Kudos: 238





	Breathing Together

Even nights in Texas were warm, but the breeze through the window, coming off the lake felt good on Henry's skin. Alex, next to him, was asleep, breathing deeply and happily after a very good orgasm. Henry smiled, letting himself run a finger along Alex's shoulder. He sighed, and took a deep breath. 5 counts in, hold, 5 counts out. 

They hadn’t been to the lake since last summer. Since Alex kissed him naked in the water, since Alex had almost told him he loved him, since Henry had run away. Alex had suggested it, said he still meant to have a summer of lying on the dock and making out like nothing else mattered. And besides, didn't they deserve it? This was supposed to be the good bit.

And it was good. Mostly. Because Alex was beautiful, and brilliant, and _his_ in a way Henry had never dreamed would be possible. But if love was a cure for omnipresent anxiety, psychiatric pharmaceuticals would be way less profitable. 

Henry’s hand reflexively went to his phone, scrolling through Twitter.

**BBC News (World)** (@BBCWorld)  
President Claremont announces resumed trade talks with China at today's press conference [link]

**Pez Okonjo** (@therealokonjo)  
Don't tell me this bird isn't the gay sex icon we all need in our lives [attachement]

**The New Yorker** (@NewYorker)  
The initial buzz over the #waterlooletters may have died down, but for three LGBTQ activists in Mexico City the impact lives on [link]

5 counts in, hold, 5 counts out. He looked at his phone again, thumb hovering over the meditation app his therapist had recommended, flitting back to Twitter, but well fine, he hit the meditation app instead. 

"Babe?" Henry jumped, and saw Alex looking up at him, eyes half closed and mouth half open in a way Henry was sure was going to kill him. 

"Sorry," Henry said, almost throwing his phone down. "I didn't mean to wake you. Was it the light? I can go outside."

"What? No, no, it's fine," Alex said, rubbing his face and glancing at the hastily discarded phone. "Whatcha doing anyway, watching kinky porn without me?"

Henry let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a groan.

"Because, like, that would be super impolite when you have an indisputable sex god lying right next to you. Do I need to remind you about yesterday’s edition of UsWeekly?"

"I have got to get June to stop reading you those insufferable magazines." And Henry smiled, but not quite the kind that hit his eyes.

"Hey, you ok?" Alex asked, suddenly serious. Alex propped his head up on Henry’s shoulder, and of course Henry was fine, because look at those curls and the way they were lying on Alex's forehead.

"Yes, I'm fine love. Just tense. Can't sleep, old news really," Henry said, turning on a sheepish grin that he hoped covered the deep well of anxiety sitting in the place between his diaphragm and his rib cage.

"Tense huh? You want me to help?" And Alex nipped at his neck, Henry's breath catching as Alex pushed his hips into Henry's leg, making it abundantly clear what he'd been dreaming about.

"Fuck," Henry said, as Alex's hand started running down his chest.

"That's the plan, sweetheart."

"You are an absolute demon," Henry groaned as Alex's hand found his boxers and slipped underneath the waistband.

"I think the words you're looking for are sex god." 

For a brief second Henry's mind let go of the noise, focusing exclusively on the feeling of Alex's hand on him, slow and steady. Then it was the feeling of Alex on top of him, kissing him, grinding his hips into Henry's. And Henry tried to hold onto the feeling, tried to breath into it, because this was so good, and he was so happy, and he had never seen anything better than the look in Alex’s eyes when he broke away from their kiss. It's just that he was also inside a funnel of anxiety and every movement felt like trying to run through water. It was exhausting, just not the kind of exhausting that would let him fall asleep.

"Hey," Alex said, his hips lifting off Henry, a line forming across his forehead. "Are you sure you're ok? We don’t have to do this."

“No, no, I’m good, you should absolutely keep doing that,” Henry said, trying to push his hips back up into Alex’s. But Alex was sitting up fully now, looking at him with infuriating intensity.

“Nope.”

“Nope what?” Henry said, mimicking Alex’s American pop on the p.

“Nope, I’m not going to fuck you until you tell me what’s bothering you.”

And Henry closed his eyes and groaned because why did this have to be so difficult, why couldn’t they just pretend like everything was ok. “That sounds vaguely like blackmail.”

“That would imply I have compromising and damaging information to reveal about you, which I totally do, but this is more of a withholding goods and services situation. Really though, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

When Henry opened his eyes again, Alex was next to him, his hand finding Henry’s and squeezing it. “It’s ok to tell me things, remember?”

“I know, it’s just,” Henry felt a lump in his throat and pushed it down hard, “it’s just it’s not a _thing_ that’s wrong.”

“Anxiety stuff?” Alex asked, and Henry nodded. 

“Have you been talking to your therapist about it?” Henry nodded again.

“Would it help to talk to me about it?”

“I don’t know,” Henry sighed, “It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it—” though he kind of didn’t “—it’s just, I don’t know what to say.”

Alex bit his lip, and Henry felt himself caving because he knew Alex was trying to shut up so that he would talk.

“It’s just, it's not easy to articulate." Another pause. "It’s not a thing I'm worried about, or single thought, it’s just this haze that’s sitting between me and the rest of the world and, well, it feels like it’s climbing in between you and me. And I wish I could push through it, I keep trying to push through it, but lately I feel like I just haven’t been able to move at all.”

“Ya?” Alex said softly, his hand giving Henry’s an encouraging squeeze. 

Henry stared at the ceiling, breathing. 5 counts in, hold, 5 counts out.

“I just… I know I’m letting you down,” Henry wasn’t totally aware of the thought until he said it, but the words were coming out in a quiet rush now, “Because I should be here with you, totally with you. And because I can’t even make out with my very attractive boyfriend without being a complete and utter mess, and because I can’t seem to do even the simplest things my therapist encourages me to do. And if I’m not doing them am I even really trying?”

“Woah, woah, Henry,” Alex said, turning Henry’s face to look at him, “you are _not_ letting me down. It’s really important to me that you know that.” Alex paused, and Henry closed his eyes, unable to hold the eye contact.

Henry felt Alex tap his leg with his foot, wrapping their legs together in the way he knew Henry liked. “What kind of things has your therapist been asking you to try?”

“Oh, well, almost everything at this point. Recently though, breathing exercises, and, uh, meditation. And it’s not as though I haven’t read the literature, I know it does help some people, but it just…” his voice trailing off.

“What if we did it together?”

“What?”

“Like, I know it’s not as hot as your dick in my mouth, but it could be sexy. Us, breathing together, silently.” And Alex pulled a face that made Henry choke out a laugh for real.

“I don’t think you could be voluntarily silent for 10 minutes if your life depended on it,” Henry said, the corner of his mouth twitching.

“And you clearly have not learned your lesson about telling me what I can and cannot do,” said Alex, pushing himself up into a cross legged position that he was absolutely not flexible enough to maintain.

“What are you doing?” Henry asked, only a smidge of exasperation in his voice.

“Meditating. Clearly. Now are you going to join me?” Alex said, his voice softening as he added, “It couldn't hurt right? Baby?”

And Henry sighed, sitting up, because no it couldn’t, and because he would do just about anything for that earnest fucking face.

“Well you don’t have to cross your legs, but, alright just wait a minute.” And Henry found his phone, the meditation app still open when he unlocked the screen. Henry, looking at Alex’s already bouncing knee, added, “Maybe just a 5 minute one to start.”

“Whatever you want sweetheart.” And Alex re-arranged himself so he was next to Henry, mimicking his posture, their legs gently pushed together.

Henry hit play and a deep male voice came over the speaker.

_“Hi, welcome to this meditation on anxiety release. Just taking a moment to get in a comfortable position, either seated or lying down…”_

“Shit,” Alex said, “I don’t know why you don’t do this all the time. His voice is _hot_.”

Henry jabbed him with an elbow, motioning to the phone that was asking them to _“close your eyes and focus in on what you’re feeling in your body.”_

Alex shifted, and Henry glanced at him to see Alex’s eyes shut tight and somehow intently focused even though they were closed. He let himself grin and sat back, his focus shifting to his breath and the sound of Alex’s breath next to him. And God, he hated when his therapist was right about things, but his mind was slowing, at least a little bit. 

He couldn’t help but notice the feeling of Alex’s leg next to his (a thought he tried to _“let go of gently, like dropping a leaf into a stream”_ ). And he couldn’t help but feel the warmth that sat in the bottom of his belly and had nothing to do with erection he’d had 10 minutes earlier (a thought he was also trying to _“gently let go of”_ ). But it did have everything to do with the silence and the fact they were sitting in it together.

When the voice told them to, _“bring their attention back to their surroundings,”_ Henry found himself letting out a sigh, not a satisfied kind, but not a frustrated kind either. His mind floated down to the bottom of his ribcage, the tension the smallest bit lessened, his focus a tiny bit more _here_ than it had been 5 minutes ago.

“For the record, I totally could have done more than 5 minutes,” Alex said, stretching out, his hand rubbing his eyes in a way that made Henry smile. “And don’t think I didn’t notice what you were doing there. Next time, I expect you to hit the 10 minute option.”

“Next time?” Henry asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Ya, next time,” Alex said, “I mean, if that’d be ok?”

“Yes, I think that would be ok,” Henry said, and something in his diaphragm loosened a little bit more.

“But don’t let this go to your head. It’s not just because you’re completely irresistible and I would do anything for you. I mean, I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but I’m kind of an anxious disaster myself.” He pushed a kiss into Henry’s cheek. “Now turn over so I can spoon you.”

Henry complied, flipping onto his side and melting into the feeling of Alex’s arms covering his own. 

“You just want to get off to his voice again.” 

“Shut up, that’s only 45% of why I’m asking.” And Alex pushed his knee between Henry’s legs until they were a ball of limbs, tied up so closely that Henry hoped it would be impossible to get them undone.

“I love you,” Alex said, “And I’m proud of you. And you have never let me down.”

Henry was pretty sure he said I love you back as his eyes drooped, his breath turning deep and steady before Alex could ask if he should finish what he’d started. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I don't write fanfic, but apparently now I do? Please be gentle with my self-isolating soul
> 
> **Update:** I feel like the whole world is a bit of an anxious mess right now so a gentle plug to take Henry's therapist's (and my therapist's) advice and practice some mindfulness. 
> 
> Resources  
> Calm has made some of its resources free and available online: https://www.headspace.com/covid-19  
> UCLA Mindful is a free app with a curated number of meditations (good if you get overwhelmed by choice)
> 
> Take care of your brains <3


End file.
